TELEVISION is my mantra. First of all, it is American. When you consider India as a whole, objectively, from its birth through its death practices, would you seriously consider -patterning your mental health on its squeaky-voiced yogas? The Hare Krishnas want you to shave your heads; television commercials will settle for the women doing their legs.

There was a time when watching foolish programs on television bothered me. After it was over, I would have a gnawing feeling in my stomach equivalent to the one you get an hour after eating in a Chinese restaurant. The soul craved real food.

But that is no longer true.

Now that I have discovered that television can be a way of life as well as a so-called form of
entertainment, I leave the set with a sense of well-being, of content. Nothing has happened to
me during the period I watched, nothing at all. The Transcendental Meditators (Tums, for short) maintain that you can only have one mantra, one secret word that will put you in touch with infinity.

Television is more adaptable. The mantra can change from season to season. For instance, this past year my mantra has been Lindsay Wagner. In case you've been reading books or talking to
people or some other ridiculous thing, Lindsay Wagner is "The Bionic Woman." I like to look at
Lindsay Wagner; she gives me strength. "The Bionic Woman" was a spinoff from "The Six-Million-Dollar Man." No, not the way God made Eve from Adam's rib, but, then again, not that far away from it either.

"The Six-Million-Dollar Man" and "The Bionic Woman" are supposed to be superjock types who were smashed up doing their thing. But this secret government agency has them put together again surgically with atomic-powered parts that are covered with fake skin that looks real. So they now have superhuman strength, see, 'which allows them to leap over tall buildings and throw heavyset extras across rooms in slow motion and etcetera, etcetera.

There's even a bionic boy around but nobody picked up his option.

I am not much interested in "The Six-Million-Dollar Man," especially since he grew a moustache, but "The Bionic Woman" soothes me. Or rather, Lindsay Wagner soothes me. I can sit there and look at her for a whole hour. And I'm not alone in this because her program has consistently drawn a 30 rating and ranked seven when it came to the total number of households watching it. It was more popular with women and children than it was with male viewers, who prefer the bionic
person with the moustache. Male, chauvinist lip-hiders.

In any case, the head of programming for the American Broadcasting Company is a man, and when hatchet time came around recently, he kept "The Six-Million-Dollar Man" and dropped "The Bionic Woman." Just like that. His excuse was that ABC-TV is going to concentrate on situation comedy
next season, and there was no room for two bionics.

I was shocked. I immediately went through the lists in search of another mantra, but there was no one who grabbed, no one who soothed, no one to induce the desired state of pleasant numbness. There was a time when Telly Savalas' head worked fairly well, and Tennille's teeth, but no more.

I was hooked on the big eyes, the sweet, serious concerned look and the warm smile. I needed
Lindsay.

There ensued a very nervous period as I waited for NBC and CBS to drop the other shoe on the programs they were canceling and the ones they were about to throw into the chopper. It was rumored that CBS was about to pick up both "The Bionic Woman" and "The Tony Randall Show," which had also been canceled by ABC despite fair ratings and good critical reaction. I made calls to New York, dropping hints at both networks. They were as impassive as the statue of the Gautama
Buddha in the square of the village of Buddh Gaya in central Bihar in Northeast India. I have never been there but I understand it is very nice.

Then CBS came out with its fall schedule, and they had picked up Tony Randall but not Lindsay Wagner. Curses on CBS. They'd better watch their step as far as this observer is concerned. One little mistake. That's all. Just one little mistake. But then NBC came out with its desperate stab at programming, and included on the list was "The Bionic Woman."

Lindsay Wagner will be there next fall when I need her.

A tranquil year can be expected. Blessings on you, NBC. May your programs foal ever-higher ratings. May your crops be sweet and may gentle rains fall on your executive floors even when the fire system isn't working.

And to you, my friends out there, are you troubled? Do you have need of help to attain peace of mind? Are Billy Graham and the Reverend Ike not filling the bill? Are you embarrassed to give some young kid an orange, two faded flowers and a clean handkerchief in order to get the secret word?

Here are two for you: Lindsay Wagner.

May Bionic smile on you and your'ns.