July 16, 1977
HOLLYWOOD — Television, a wise man once wrote, is the refuge for the vaguely untalented. Lindsay Wagner, known far and wide as 'The Bionic Woman,' is a prime example.
Nothing, nothing is worse than a no-talent actress pulling a big Hollywood siren number. First, she surrounds herself with an entourage of press agents and hangers-on. Second, she dresses up in one of these femme fatale outfits: Tight pants, boots and a big rhinestone-studded hat.
Liz Taylor could have pulled off this routine, but not Lindsay Wagner. The minute she opened her mouth, I realized I was in the presence of a Bionic dope. Miss Wagner, in one of those trendy Southern California cliches, told a group of reporters that she was "into metaphysics." "I've had some very extraordinary experiences," she said. "I also have done a great deal of meditation and I have learned a bit about energy transference ... and increasing our bodily energy...." Miss Wagner, who sounded like she was reading one of her scripts, also told the astonished group she is a believer in parental influences, that is, she was aware of things before she was born.
Like what? She was asked.
The actress said she recalled seeing a Gary Grant film, while being encased in her mother's womb. She said she remembered the plot, the stars, the theater and the circumstances that took place during the viewing.
- Now, you say you don't believe this, eh? Well, neither did the actress's mother. I'll quote Mrs. Wagner, according to her daughter:
"Lindsay, I wasn't pregnant with you when I saw that film. You did not see that film with me." Miss Wagner told the reporters her reply to her mother: "Well, I had to, I was there. I remember the theatre, I remember the movie " By this time, the actress said her mother was "turning white . . . absolutely white. I said, 'calm down.' We checked to make sure her mind was not out of whack...."
Moments later, Miss Wagner told the crowd of newsmen she always knew she was going to star in her first feature film. She got a mental telegram at the age of 14, thanks to ESP. And, of course, she got the role. In the old days of Hollywood, Lindsay Wagner would have occupied the unheralded position of "Perennial Starlet," someone always on the verge of making it, but who never does. She can't sing; she can't dance; and, to steal a line from Dorothy Parker, her acting "runs the gamut of emotions from A to B." In short, Lindsay Wagner is the proverbial "just another pretty face."
However, thanks to television, where the demands for excellence are minimal, Miss Wagner is a star. If she wasn't an actress, she should be a waitress. Who knows, she might end up slinging hash. The tragedy of Lindsay Wagner is the tragedy of many performers. Without a script to read, their comments are inane. The only thing more ridiculous was some 80-odd reporters sitting around listening to her prattle. During nearly a one-hour press conference, Lindsay Wagner evaded questions, was arrogant, and frequently uttered incomprehensible replies. She also cackled at her own jokes. They weren't funny, either.At the beginning of the meeting, a reporter asked the honey-haired actress why ABC dropped The Bionic Woman. (NBC quickly picked it up.) She replied that she thought it was canceled because of "political reasons as anything other than the obvious."
Obviously!
Then, she refused to discuss the matter. With this point clarified, Miss Wagner went on to discuss how she will recharge The Bionic Woman for NBC next season. She said she will try to show Jaime Sommers, the character she plays, "as a person . . . what she thinks, who she is, what it is like to be a Bionic Woman—" On NBC, Miss Wagner simply is going to try to make The Bionic Woman "a meaningful human being" — which is like trying to get Donald Duck to play Hamlet.
But the highlight of Miss Wagner's performance was her answer to a question about whether she thought her show was "meaningful" to children. "Perhaps someone, a child, who is watching my show right now may be in an accident. They may lose an arm. They will not be afraid, I feel, if they have experienced my show and say OK, I'm going to put on an artificial limb and I am not going to let it screw my head up for the rest of my life."
It seems Miss Wagner is beginning to believe her own scripts. I cannot imagine people with artificial limbs turning on The Bionic Woman for a weekly inspirational message. The Bionic Woman is entertainment, not a sermon. Miss Wagner ought to know the difference.
FRANK SWERTLOW
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