We are all about to become the innocent victims of a made-for-television movie called The Return of the Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman. It's not a spoof; it's the real thing.

The made-for-TV movie, which will be filmed in early 1987, will star Lee Majors and Lindsay Wagner. Majors, who has retired and is living quietly with his son, has been persuaded to go out on one more mission - just one more mission. Just like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Commando. Just like Sigourney Weaver in Aliens.

Something will go wrong, of course. Majors's son will be injured and he too will become bionic. Some Hollywood wags say that he may just become bionic enough to have his own prime-time television series.

You've been warned. We must not drop our television vigil otherwise we'll wake up one day to find TV shows ranging from My Three Bionic Sons to Golden Bionic Girls.

Where's Pam Ewing when we really need her?