USA Network continues to be the home of telegenic mental illness and murder with Treacherous Crossing, due on April 8.

This time, the producers resorts to updating a radio play about a newlywed heiress who becomes separated from her husband during a luxury cruise, circa 1940s. The radio version doesn't profit much from the visualization. They've put the production on the theme-parked Queen Mary, and some of the outdoor scenes become partially obscured by the fake fog generated to block out the modern-day Long Beach, Calif. skyline in the background.

The only draw here may be the Bionic Woman (Lindsay Wagner) versus Police Woman (Angie Dickinson) nostalgia match-up. But Wagner acts more naturally on her Ford commercials and Dickinson is upstaged by her omnipresent cat's eyeliner. At least viewers are through with her after she takes a flying leap down a gangway part-way through the dreary plot.

Poor Lindsay Thompson Gates (Wagner) is trapped abroad a liner where everyone, except the ship's doctor, is convinced she's a few bricks shy of a full load. See, she's trying to convince all those around her that she boarded with a new husband, whom no one recalls seeing. Even new close and dear friend Beverly Thomas (Dickinson), who's trying to convince the grieving Wagner to rumba her sorrows away, isn't sure the newlywed isn't just newly weird.

Ship officials (who seem oddly unconcerned about the fact that, nuts or not, this dame has no ticket, no passport and no ID) investigate Gates' background and find that her first husband died mysteriously, leaving her suspect. Gates reacted by having a nervous breakdown. About this time, you'd think any rational officer would confine the woman to her room, but she continues to wander the ship, harassing the help and attending costume balls.

Plucky Lindsay sees it through to the happy ending after failing to fall through any of the plot holes. Without revealing too much of the plod, I mean plot, I wonder how a bad guy, who described himself as nothing but a slave on a cruise ship, could have slipped away for three months in order to insert himself in the heiress' life??

Don't try to make sense of it and you won't go away mad.

Treacherous Crossing will be repeated on April 12 and 18.