YOU get what you pay for, even on free TV.

If you want to watch a two-hour reunion of the Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman, go right ahead; there's one on tonight called "Bionic Ever After?"

But you really ought to know by now that it's going to be seriously lousy.

The two previous TV movies featuring Lee Majors and Lindsay Wagner as those lovable half-robot spies from the 1970s sure were.

And the original "bionic" shows themselves sat like Limberger cheese on the ABC schedule for years - smelly, stale affairs so cheaply done that there was only one sound effect for ev­ery superhuman feat of der­ring-do by our two heroes.

Jaime Sommers, Wagner's character, is now a shrink.

Spy chief Oscar Goldman (Richard Anderson) has somehow developed the magical ability of being in Washington and in Los An­geles on the same day.

And at the hospital where semi-human robots like Jaime and her fiance Steve Austin (Majors) go to get fixed, there's a notice on the wall that reads, "Bionic Sci­ences - Highly Restricted." Wow. Now that's a top-secret government project for you - it's not just "restricted," it's "highly restricted."

But I get ahead of myself here. As "Bionic Ever Af­ter?" begins, Jaime and Steve are finally preparing to tie the knot. They are a mismatched couple of gigantic proportions, since Lindsay Wagner's Jaime is brittle, neurotic and whip-smart, while Lee Majors' Steve is a dumb good-time Joe--want to bet they're playing themselves?

Then Jaime's bionic implants begin acting up, due to the intervention of an unseen assaillant who drugs her tea and then starts fiddling around with her robot arm. Jaime is worried that she will become paralyzed, and decides she can't marry Steve.

Even though the whole nation cheers and applauds the possibility that the movie will end right at that moment so we can all turn to "NYPD Blue," Steve isn't willing to give up on Jaime.

That's why he goes off to the Bahamas to investigate a strange siege of the U.S. Embassy involving a russian tennis player and a nu­clear-tipped missile that just happens to be on the Embassy's grounds.

Then Jaime gets cured, while Steve's bionics begin to fail as well, and she must come to his rescue in one of the lamest action-adven­ture climaxes the world has ever seen, in which a man­hole cover is used as a killer frisbee.

The movie ends with Steve and Jaime talking about having kids, when what these two long-in-the-tooth newly­weds should really be talking about is signing up for old-age security.

John Podhoretz