Oh my. Has that much time elapsed already? Have I been in some kind of coma?

Let me put that to you another way this holiday Monday morning: What has happened to the seemingly invincible television heroes of our youth? (Caution: sarcasm ahead).

It's disturbing, to say the least, when I see both the Bionic Man and the Bionic Woman hawking late night products on TV. You've seen them by now.

Lindsay Wagner, a.k.a. Jaime Sommers, started the ball rolling a while back. Looking as classy as ever, she looks straight into the camera and asks viewers what sleep number we might be. Sleep number? What the (bad word) does that even mean?

On The Bionic Woman she used to lift entire cars up over her head to save someone, and now her priority is what number sleep bed I am? Say it isn't so Lindsay!

Why, oh why couldn't the lovely Jaime have asked me what my sleep number was when I was 15? (Note to therapist: the final piece of the puzzle has been found). But, no. All these years later, she somehow justifies to herself that hawking the sleep number bed is the way she wants to go. I'm just sick about it.

Then, not to be outdone, we come to Lee Majors, a.k.a. Steve Austin. Remember how invincible they made him sound on opening of The Six Million Dollar Man? "Steve Austin, astronaut. A man barely alive."

Then Oscar Goldman would declare: "Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better ... stronger ... faster."

Next thing you know, our hero has been fitted with two bionic legs, a bionic right arm and a nifty bionic eye that sadly could not see his future as a hearing aid spokesman. Say it isn't so Steve Austin. Hearing aids? I SAID SAY IT ISN'T SO, STEVE AUSTIN!

And he's not pitching any old run-of-the-mill hearing aids. These babies are bionic!

Poor Lee Majors. He looks so unexcited about this product. On The Six Million Dollar Man, our hero used to be able to run 60 miles per hour and crush a bowling ball with one hand. A far cry from real life.

Disappointed

He may as well just sit there and say; "Hi, I'm Lee Majors. You may remember me as the Six Million Dollar Man. Now I'm hawking hearing aids 'cause my royalty checks from the '70s suck. Also, I'm 109 years old. Please kill me."

I'm so disappointed that you'll be seeing my Six Million Dollar Man thermos and lunch box on eBay any day now.

In the cruel light of day, I guess the TV heroes of yesteryear all can't be like John Travolta, going from nerdy Vinny Barbarino to ultra-rich movie star, but to sink this low? Come on, what's next?

The immortal Bo and Luke Duke telling us about the wonders of dental cream? MacGyver urging us to purchase life insurance? Bailey Quarters from WKRP in Cincinatti trying to sell us cemetery plots?

If I see the lovely Linda Carter (a.k.a. Wonder Woman) endorsing adult undergarments, I'm going to scream.

Not that Steve Austin would hear me.

IAN SHANLEY